Anxiety

Ok... Just shoot me now. While I've been kicking around the idea for the past 6 months or so, I am now officially on the clock: I have 24 hours until I find out if I have been elected Chair of the math department at the University. Ugh, the agony of waiting. I almost blazed a trail in the carpet at work today as I paced back and forth through the office hallways trying to burn off nervous energy. At 1:30pm tomorrow, the cat will be out the bag and I will either be the next department chair, or I'll be in the faculty parking lot throwing tomatoes and slashing tires. Just kidding... I would never throw tomatoes.

Seven random thoughts about this process:

1. The toughest part of deciding to run was knowing that it would likely spell less time at home with the family in the months to come. That's especially troubling given that baby #3 is on the way. But in truth, we've gotta pay for this lifestyle and desire for a big family and a stay-at-home mom somehow. So, something has to give. At the end of the day, it just means that we will have to do everything we can to make sure that V is properly supported at home in my absence. She's still not sold on the idea of having a helper (nanny?) of some sort come by the house to help on occasion... but we've at least agreed to move forward, knowing that (a) this is probably best for our family, (b) best for my department, and (c) we'll figure out how to make it work like we do everything else.

2. I feel like I have a really good idea of what good leadership looks like and a million ideas as to how to better guide our department towards being successful. From that perspective I have to admit that I'm very excited about the prospect of this leadership role. With so many things that I want to do, I don't think I'll even know where to start. I suspect that the hardest part of my first six months as Chair would be learning how to pace myself. With that in mind, at some point it hit me that, while it may seem noble on the surface to have declined having my name on the ballot; it would actually have been the selfish thing to do. Accepting a nomination and at least presenting myself as an option for the department is bigger than my personal comfort zone. That's counterintuitive, and it took me a while, but I get that now.

3. If one thing is for sure, it's that the idea of so much responsibility makes me very nervous. But I like what Pastor said when I talked to him about it 2 weeks ago. In so many words, he said to be more concerned if that nervousness goes away. Absence of that feeling usually means overconfidence in our own abilities in the sense that we may have let ourselves get in the way of God's plan and the pursuit of what is right. Likewise, that may explain why I am usually suspicious of those who seek leadership positions overzealously; as that can be an indication of an agenda that is laced with more personal agenda than team initiative.

4. Leaders don't always step up to lead "when the timing is right". In fact, I'm willing to guess that most good leaders didn't feel ready for their leadership opportunity when it first presented itself; but rather they simply felt obligated to step up because there was a need to be met. That inability to sit still despite themselves when they know that they could make a difference is ironically what qualified them as a good leader to begin with. This line of thinking is what I've kept in mind over the past 2 weeks in order to propel me to where I am now. Because as uncertain as I feel about whether this is what I want to do; I feel an equal obligation to my colleagues to at least allow them (not me) decide.

5. If I am elected, that will at least help explain why I have not been able to leave the University over the past 7 years (because Lord knows I've tried). With so many attempts at other employment opportunities falling short over the years (the most recent just 3 weeks ago); V and I have always wondered if my stay here was a "your job here is not done" kind of scenario. I don't know, and I guess I'll never really know... but it sure sounds reasonable.

6. V is a little worried about how I'll take it if I lose. I forget exactly how she phrased it, but she said something along the lines of how this would be the most significant position that I've ever sought. And so she thinks that the disappointment will be grave. However, I honestly think I'll be cool with it. For one, running against the incumbent automatically makes me the underdog; and that's always an easier position to be in. I also think that my humility will make accepting defeat pretty easy. Besides, I'll be the first to tell you that people have plenty of reasons not to vote for "that young kid that's only been here a handful of years." Take your pick: He's too outspoken, too young, too unsophisticated, inexperienced... did I mention too outspoken? I definitely have a "love him or hate him" working relationship with most of my colleagues. The point is, if I don't win, I suspect I'd be pretty understanding.

7. On a more positive note, I've been running some numbers in my head... there's 20 faculty members in our department, and since we need a majority vote; the first candidate to get eleven votes wins. As I run down the names in my head, I think I could list 9 faculty members that would be more likely to vote for me than the incumbent. Conversely, I can think of exactly 4 that will almost definitely vote for the incumbent. For those keeping score at home, that leaves 7 undecided votes... Seven people that can really go either way. So here's the positive spin: Of those 7, I only need TWO to win the race to eleven. On the other hand, the incumbent would need all 7 in order to get up to (4+7 equals) eleven. Recap: I need 2. He needs 7...
   I like my odds... But before jumping the gun, I'm brought back to reality by two obvious facts: Firstly, the odds of him getting those other seven votes are really not that bad. The truth is, they may not be "swing votes" at all... but they might be more objectively titled as, "seven people more likely to vote for him despite my hope that they'd vote for me instead." Secondly, I'll never forget the story of a friend who ran for a similar position and only got a total of 3 votes despite about 5 people saying, "I voted for you!". My point is that those 9 votes I talked about are anything but a done deal. People are funny. And sometimes you honestly don't know how the chips will truly fall once push comes to shove. The good news is, for us, push will come to shove in exactly 24 hours and the waiting game will be over.